not sure what is up with me but I literally feel exhausted.
I don’t know why.
I felt fine at work but I drove home and thought….man am I tired!
I get home and everything aches.
Isn’t that weird?
my elbows even hurt!
my fingers ache and my ankles hurt and everything in between.
😦

everywhere you go, there you will be.
running along beside yourself  like a shadow bound and determined to go along with the ride, even if you don’t want the company.

You can run from many things but you can’t run from yourself , and any situation  you are in will just follow you where ever you go as long as the same situation is involved.

Many a time I have thought to myself, I just want to run away.
but in doing that I would have to run away and no longer be a mother or a wife or a grand mother.
I couldn’t run and take all of them with me because nothing would change except the location I ended up in.

All my problems, my woes…my insecurities…..everything I would want to get away from would still be there….I would just be in a different state than Iowa.

Every where I go, there I will be…..

I can’t escape taking myself along the journey when I run.
It is always there, a part of me, like my elusive shadow….racing with me and keeping up with who I am.

I have a guy I work with who constantly refers to me as being a “Blonde” so therefore I have to be different and or irrational, or weak-minded.
he never comes out and says I’m stupid but he will say “Yeah well you’re a blonde so your opinion doesn’t count”

or “What can I expect from a blonde?”
things like that.

It irritates me simply because while I may not be the brightest crayon in the box I’m not completely without a brain either.

ninety percent of the time I ignore him and his stupid comments but once in a while he will say something in reference to my being a blonde and I will say “Don’t quit your day job” meaning he would never make it as a comedian

or “yeah you are so funny”

or even once I said “Yeah well you are a man, and your opinion doesn’t count either”
but most of the time I just let it slide.

Still it irritates me.
which I am guessing is the reason why he does it.
🙂

how well do we know each other?
how often do we let our siblings and friends and family see the REAL us?

I find that those I hold dearest don’t even know the real me so I know that my few friends don’t have a clue to what I am really about.

My eldest child wants nothing to do with me.
I have some how unknowingly sabotaged any and all feeling she has ever had for me and while I try not to dwell on it, once in a while it comes up and rears its ugly head at me.
I don’t have a clue why I am no long important to her or what I have done to have her no longer want me for a mother.

But there are times when I think about her and whatever I did to make her no longer want me in her life, I wonder…..how much longer before the other three feel this way?
how do I know I am not saying or doing something right now that will  hurt them or make them so upset with me that they won’t want me in their lives?

That is where the cellophane comes in again.
I am learning to not speak my true thoughts.
to not give my honest opinion because my eldest child has made me doubt everything about myself.

Sometimes I think it is quite unfair of her to no longer want me as her mother but she won’t tell me what I did or didn’t do to warrant this estrangement.

you know, so I won’t make the same mistake with the other three kids.

But I don’t have a clue.

So while I think about getting up close and personal with anyone that I love or care about…..I wonder, what flaw in me is presenting itself……and will I end up having them all run away…….

I usually don’t start my Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving…but this year I spotted something in Walgreens that I thought would be cute for my youngest grand-daughter so I bought it in September.
I have been collecting things since then.
I wrapped about eight presents last night, all for my grand daughters.

I have two birthday’s coming up.
Mirielle will be 7 on November 6th and Kayla will be one on November 8th.
So I wrapped their presents too.

My youngest sister will be 45 I believe on November 21st.
so I have three birthday’s in the next month.
And then Christmas of course in December.

I know what I am getting everyone else now I just need the money to purchase the gifts.
🙂

my sister asked me a question the other day about where my blog header was taken at.
I didn’t take the picture myself but I believe it was taken in Oregon.
Of course I could be wrong and my memory could be faulty (early senility setting in) but I’m pretty sure it is Oregon.
🙂

I finished a book on Saturday evening titled “Handle with Care” by Jodi Picoult.
I like her writing a lot and I have seven of her books and plan to get and read the remaining five or so that I don’t own.
However this book “Handle with Care” was quite good until the ending.
I don’t know if she just got tired of writing and wanted to end it abruptly or what but I hated the ending so much I felt like I just wasted my entire week reading it.

Why do authors do that?
build up each and every character to where we come to love them, only to end it the way this ended?

It came to the end and I couldn’t believe it and I was hugely disappointed in the author for ending it this way.

I realize not every book can have a happy ending BUT….there was just no point to the whole entire book, if it had to end the way she ended it.

😦

cellophane that is what I feel like I am sometimes.
Invisible, unimportant…….non essential

it seems every time I open my mouth I get criticized for what I say.
It has gotten to the point that I just tell myself, to remain quiet, that no one really gives a crap about what I have to say anyway.

of course I forget sometimes and say something, only to get criticized for opening my mouth.
😦

I watched “Chicago” last night and the one man sang “Mr. cellophane” and it reminded me that I am exactly that.
You can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I am there.