My sister Cyndi died tonight.

At 8:13 pm.

I was alone with her and it happened so incredibly fast.

One minute she is breathing heavily and the next she is breathing shallow and going over a minute before taking another shallow breath.

That lasted 3 minutes and then she was gone.

I still can’t believe it.

All week long I kept telling her “Cyndi, you can go if you need to go.  We understand and love you and you can go”

But as she was taking her last few breathes I was bawling and begging her to breathe.

I was with my mother 24 years ago when she died, and losing Cyndi tonight was just as painful as losing mom all those years ago.

And in the last ten minutes of her life Cyndi kept moaning “Mooooooooooooooooooooooom”
It was heart breaking.

There is a huge hole in our family with Cyndi’s passing.

I just can’t imagine life without her.

 

This was taken five or six years ago with my niece Jackie and a different niece’s daughter

 

This was taken this past June.

Carolyn, Kathy, me and Cyndi.

 

I tried cropping the pictures so I could just have them of her but unfortunately I can’t figure out how to do it without it being unprintable when I am done.

😦

 

I know a few people, one in particular,  who live in the past.

Who can’t get themselves of the “Victim” mode.

Who want to whine continuously about life gone wrong and how it is someone else’s fault but their own.

It gets old.

But I listen and I try and be supportive, but people, wake up!
Start taking responsibility for your own mistakes and short comings!

Let the past stay in the past!

I feel like someone has shoved a steel rod up my spine.

it aches so.

I assume it has to do with all the sitting I have done this last week visiting with siblings and being with my sister Cyndi.

Cyndi’s doctor came in to see her last night and told us that Cyndi is starting to shut down

That she is bleeding internally and will probably go with in the week.

I honestly wish it was soon because it is so hard to see her like this and in pain.

And I won’t lie to you it is exhausting trying to be there and watch her die.

For her sake, I want her to go so her suffering can end.

But she will leave a huge hole in our family when she is gone.

 

 

I just realized that I haven’t written a blog for several days.

Weird to be forgetting something like that.

Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for a week.

I WOULD LOVE to be off forever but only if I had the money to still do what I want.

 

Cyndi isn’t doing really well.

They have her medicated so she isn’t so agitated and that just makes her sleep all day.

I spent five hours with her and she slept the entire time.

Hospice came in and gave her a sponge bath and she didn’t wake up for that and then another hospice nurse came in and drained two liters of blood off of her stomach.

The hospice is guessing she has about a week to live.

She hasn’t eaten since Saturday and only drinks a few sips at a time.

So the body can’t go very long without water.

The internet says 100 hours.

I wish she could go just because I hate seeing her suffer.

It will be a very strange world to not have her in it.

ugh.

 

Life goes on and I do know we are all promised a death…..it still is hard to imagine life without her.

 

 

Cancer stinks.

Literally stinks

I helped my sister today because she is so weak and can’t help herself.

She is fading quickly and it breaks my heart.

I actually feel guilty sitting here watching TV when I don’t know how long she has to live.

Every time I kiss her goodbye I wonder if that is the last time?

She is so weak

So fragile

In some ways it would be better for her to just go to Heaven.

Other times I think ……how do we go on without her?

For her sake going would be better for her.

But for those of us left behind it will be a big hole in our lives.

it has been a crazy week.

I am tired and wish I could just escape from life for a while.

Yeah that sounds really selfish since my sister is dying and probably won’t be here a month from now.

I cleaned her room and have been unloading a bunch of things.

There is a lot of things she had that are going to others.

I am saddened that she is dying.

Saddened that she will no longer be with us.

Saddened that my family is dwindling down to almost nothing.

There was seven of us and after Cyndi goes there will be five of us.

That is incredibly sad.

Life is hard, I understand that…..but losing someone is harder….

 

 

We got Cyndi moved to the nursing home today.

We have to clean out her shed tomorrow, and take the belongings to her son’s house and then take a few things to Cyndi.

They drained 3 liters of fluid off of her stomach yesterday and then yesterday afternoon she was so perky and happy and ate and felt great.

Today not so much again.

The fluid is building up on her stomach again and she isn’t able to eat anything

The doctor said the fluid will be drained every three days but I don’t understand that.
Why do she have to wait three days?
I should have asked someone.

I honestly don’t know how long she will last.

Yesterday afternoon I thought she was doing wonderful and could last a long while.

Now today again she isn’t doing so well.

It saddens me.

 

 

Kathy and Wayne made it to Iowa from Florida after driving over 24 hours to get here.

Ric is here from Canada.

Cyndi is still in the hospital although she may be going to a nursing home today or tomorrow.

A doctor came in yesterday afternoon and said that the cancer is now in her liver, stomach and lungs and that she has 1 week to 2 months to live.

He said the toxics from her liver will slowly creep up her body and when it reaches her brain she will not be able to talk or think clearly.

Then she will go into a coma and die.

 

It is horrific to think about, but God willing she won’t be in a lot of pain.

Her sons are quiet and not very forthcoming on their feelings.

I want to be there for them in whatever way they need me to be.

Sigh

Cancer sucks

I went off on my boss yesterday in an email.

I have requested the next four working days off and he wrote me an email that said  if you HAVE to take the time off then go ahead, but we will really be short handed for someone to cover your job.

 

My brother is here from Canada.

My sister and her son are driving up from Florida and my terminally ill sister has asked me to clean out her room and a storage shed she has.

Not to mention she is dying and I would like to spend as much time with her as I can.

My boss sounded a bit miffed that I would dare act like my personal life could be more important then my job.

 

Ugh.

 

Lord give me strength to get through this time.

I don’t handle pressure well

I don’t handle stress well

I am a total mess when things don’t go as I would like them to.

 

I need to find some finesse to be polite to people who irritate me

so Please Lord, help me be stronger and get through all of this without being too much of a bitch.

Amen.