Archive for August, 2009

don’t judge me

ever feel like others think they know you better then you know yourself?
I say don’t judge me.
Don’t think you know something I don’t know.
Don’t think you can be in my life and have any idea of what I am about and what I think and feel just because you happen to be where I am.
no one has a clue what I am about.
What my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings are.

no one has walked a mile or more in my shoes, seen what I have seen, done what I have done,  felt what I have felt and lived my life.
No one knows me.
And while I can lay part of the way I am to my childhood, or my lack of a father figure in my life, or just my plain stupidity, no one knows all about me
So don’t judge me.
Don’t think you know me.
You don’t have a clue.

I have had to do this a time or two in my life.
Letting go of someone I would rather not let go of.
But life isn’t always about me.
It is about others too and their needs have to be what works for them.
So once again I am forced to let go of someone I don’t want to let go of.
But this isn’t about me.
it is about this other person and while I love this person very much and don’t want this to happen, as always it isn’t my call to make.
Life goes on.
Hearts get broken and they do mend.
dwelling on the past and the heartache is just asking for prolonged heart ache.
When I feel like I have done everything with in my power to make things right with this person and for this person and they still want to go…..I can’t hold them back.
They don’t want me to and I wouldn’t even if I could.
Which I can’t.
So I have to let go…

what makes it superficial stuff?
What makes it important to one person but less important to another?
I was told recently that a person doesn’t want the superficial stuff.

but what could be superficial to one person could be extremely important to another.
It is all each person’s take on life.

for example… person could love watching TV and make it their sole reason for getting up every day.
while another person could hate TV and think it is all a waste of time.

Who has a right to say this is superficial ?
Just because one person thinks this way doesn’t mean every one does????
Or am I wrong?

I don’t think so…..

no one can dictate what is important to someone else……

when someone tells you they want nothing to do with you, how is that suppose to make you feel?
When someone says I no longer want to be in this relationship with you, how is a person suppose to react to that?
When someone says “I am not this (blank) any longer, so therefore we don’t have this (blank) kind of relationship”  how is it expected to just cease?

when this same person basically says to you “Because of you all my other relationships are suffering”

How does a person react to that?
I have cried, I have gotten mad and now I am just sad and unable to comprehend what my role is suppose to be.
An acquaintance I guess?

Because I love and care deeply for this person I will give that person their wish.
Regardless of how much it hurts.
I will do it because I love this person weather they care for me or not.

it is Monday morning and I have only been here ninety minutes and already I have hurt my back.
really sick of this crap.

I moved a table and five desks (student) and some how I must have lifted something wrong.

It is hell getting old.

it hasn’t gotten any warmer then 67 today and while I am sitting here inside and the breeze is coming through the windows it is chilly.
Think I will have to close the windows.
Love these cooler temps but am not ready for winter yet.
Too cold.

Tomorrow is another stinking Monday.
how I hate them.

I wrote a blog yesterday that has completely disappeared

where could it have gone?

My sister has written me emails that I have never received as has a friend and I have never gotten them.
So where do they go?

Out there in cyberspace  wondering aimlessly, floating on a cloud of indecision of where to go and what to do with oneself?

floating around with all the other dozens or maybe hundreds of emails and blogs that get lost in the shuffle of the internet?
Odd isn’t it?
Will they one day miraculously show up or are they lost forever?

I have had problems with sinus infection off and on for the past twenty years or so.
I had it pretty bad about a month ago and then it left and it is back again.
Woke up at three am this morning and the room was spinning.
now this is different then vertigo which I have had and have to say it is the worst thing a person can experience.
It is awful.
But sinus infection is bad enough.
Have medicine for it, over the counter stuff that I literally have to sign my life away to buy, (it contains whatever meth makers need for their drug)

but it helps fairly well.

Just another day in Paradise

Saturday morning in Iowa is beautiful!!
Temps were in the low fifties over night and I don’t think it has gotten to sixty yet this morning.
The sun is warm and there is a breeze but it is wonderfully very much like fall!!
I love it.
So much prefer this to the hot and humid crap.

It is just another day in Paradise in Iowa!!!

usually we have our two youngest grand daughters on Saturday nights and I thought that would be the case tonight.
it isn’t though.
We are getting them tonight instead of tomorrow night.
not that I mind, I mean I was looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow morning and that won’t happen now with Keira.
She gets up at the crack of dawn.
But I will get to sleep late on Sunday so that is fine.

I love them both so very much but when they are there, nothing else gets done.
Just play time with them.

Still they are wonderful and I wouldn’t have it any other way.