what do I do with me?   1 comment

without you, where do I go?  Where do I turn? I just don’t know.

in the back corner of my mind there is a place where the real me is sitting cross-legged and cramped and feeling neglected and blue.

this part of myself whom very few people know or understand.
this part of myself who rarely if ever gives a voice to the true thoughts and feelings that I possess.

I remember as a young girl growing up, that I wanted to be different from my siblings.
I wanted to make things work I wanted to jump outside the mold and be something different.

I remember watching my eldest sister be such a fantastic mother to her daughters and I thought, ‘if only I could be half as good of a mother as she is, I will have done a great thing’

and I have tried……

with the exception of a few years of floundering on my part I have always put my children before myself

I have always tried to be the best mother and wife that I could be.

But in doing that….I have lost myself.

now that my children are grown I look to my grandchildren for my happiness.
And I adore them all so much and I thank God daily for their lives being intertwined with mine.

but I feel lost
I feel uncertain.
I feel confused and sad and blue.

no I am not depressed, I am just lost and feeling incredibly alone.

that part of me that is sitting in the corner of my mind, wants to break free.
She is tired of being put last.
She wants free to run and jump and experience everything that I have held her back from…….

but at what price do I let her escape and run free?

without my children, who are all grown and don’t really need me any more and my grandchildren who light up my life in so many ways….what would I do with me?
If I didn’t have them, where would I go?
How would I function?

and would I lose them?

that is my biggest fear…..that if I let myself be who I yearn to be, that I would lose my little grand children in the process…..

What would I do with me?

Posted September 29, 2010 by Marge in ramblings

One response to “what do I do with me?

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  1. You are heading in a good direction. You recognize there are so many blessings in your life – those are the things that keep you going – and you also recognize there are things that frustrate you – those are things you want to change. You are a good woman who wants the best for herself and the people you love. Sometimes it’s difficult to recognize the blessings in our life. Perhaps a book of daily affirmations would help – your church would have them. It would allow you to stay focused and positive.
    There are times when I read your stuff and it hurts. I can see you struggling with the same stuff that I, and others, struggle with daily. You’re just looking for answers, and I’ve learned that sometimes those answers don’t come as quickly as we’d like. Keep moving forward, Marge! You are on a good path.

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