The other day I was going through some things and found a note I wrote to my husband a few years ago.
I never gave him the letter although I do remember at the time really wanting to.
It was about how unhappy I am living in a loveless marriage with a man who really doesn’t see me let alone even act like he loves me.
He shows me no affection what so ever and I find a huge emptiness inside of me because of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I no longer show him any affection either due to being turned down and basically ignored for years.
Five to be exact.
The last time he turned me down was on my birthday five years ago.
And I decided right there and then that I was never going to ask him to show me any kind of affection again.
I was done asking for something that I feel I should never have had to ask for to begin with.
We are married for crying out loud.
I shouldn’t have to keep asking or beg to be paid attention to.
I feel alone, and lonely 99% of the time and while I am not so eager to run out and have sex with someone….It would be nice to be seen and acknowledged.
I know marriages wan. I know it can’t be sunshine and roses all of the time.
I do know that.
But affection now and then, or even a touch would be so nice…..
And while some may think…..if I just show affection first and make things….more approachable……I could turn it around.
But I have tried.
He just doesn’t care enough…..
Maybe this is the way every marriage goes…… I don’t know…..I have no one to ask.
My mother was married five times and divorced five times.
My grandmother out lived three husbands and she is no longer here to ask.
The only other person I am close enough to ask is my younger sister. And she has her own woes with her own marriage.
My friend Laurie is in the same boat with her marriage.
It stinks and is quite sad……to have loved and been so loved so deeply and now to have nothing.
Some times my heart aches…..