Archive for January 6, 2017

14 weeks ago today~   Leave a comment

14 weeks ago today started out like any other day.

Okay not quite, I knew I would be spending the night at Cyndi’s side at the nursing home and had packed my bag for two nights with her.

I left work early, got myself some chicken alfredo at Pizza Hut and went to the nursing home to release my eldest sister Carolyn from her duties of staying with Cyndi,  so she could go home for a few nights.

Cyndi was moaning but sleeping and not at all responsive to anyone talking to her.

Once in a while she would moan “mom” but for the most part she was quiet except for her moaning.

I got there at 3.

5 hours and twelve minutes later she was dying in front of me.

It was horrifically awful and still is every time I think about it.

It seems hard to believe it has been 14 weeks, and yet it almost seems like yesterday.

I miss her so much.

And while I didn’t see her every day and sometimes would go weeks without seeing her, just knowing she isn’t here on this earth for me to see and talk to still hurts.

Friday’s will never be the same for me.

Because I lost Cyndi on a Friday.

I know without a doubt she is in Heaven looking down on all of us.

I sometimes feel her near me as I am doing something.

I felt her about fifteen minutes ago as I was climbing up the steps here at work.

I just felt her spirit, almost like a kiss on the cheek.

It was wonderful.

I never realized how much she meant to me when she was alive.

Damn it.

But I sure do realize it now, now that it is too late.

me-and-cyndi

Me and Cyndi

6/21/2016

 

Posted January 6, 2017 by Marge in family, ramblings

Problem Solved~   Leave a comment

I figured out what the problem was this morning with hating everything.

It is cutting sugar out of my diet completely.

A co worker brought cookies in and I had one and immediately my spirits lifted.

Immediately I felt better.

I guess going cold turkey with cutting sugar out of the diet isn’t the way to go.

This morning I was ready to drive my car off a cliff.

Now that I have had some sugar I feel better.

Fatter but better.

🙂

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Posted January 6, 2017 by Marge in ramblings

Irks Me~   Leave a comment

So I told a co worker yesterday that I have three years and six months till I can retire.
She laughed and said “Isn’t it a bit early to start counting down”
I said “Not if it is important to me to do so”
I wanted to say “Fuck You” but I didn’t.

My life is one long line of boring blah.

Some days I just hate my life.

I hate my job, I hate the mundane existence of this boring life.

And yes I have hobbies and take vacations but I still need to have something on the horizon to look forward to.

So I am looking forward to retiring.

So what?
Does that make me a bad person?
She laughed like I was ridiculous.

Fuck her.

If I want to look forward to retirement or spring, or fall or next winter why should it be wrong to count down to it?

Maybe I am just over sensitive today.

Maybe I have the winter blahs.

Maybe I am depressed.

Who knows?

But this insane merry go round of life is so damn boring so much of the time.

Ugh.

Beston-merry-go-round-for-sale

 

Posted January 6, 2017 by Marge in heartfelt, ramblings