thinking out loud   Leave a comment

you know, there are things I wish I had done when I was younger.

things I still would like to do before I die.

I will never be perfect or beautiful and I am a sinner and continue to be a sinner.

but through it all, thick and thin, I have tried to be a good person.

I let things people say to me, roll off my shoulders simply because it isn’t worth the hassle to fight it out.

I wrote a blog a few months ago about finding me.

I still haven’t found me.

I exist.

I don’t challenge myself in any way and even though I think I am happy 95% of the time there are times I get very down and almost lonely feeling.

I have people who count on me, people who love me and depend on me.

and yet I do feel lonely a lot of the time.

I won’t actually say I look forward to death, because that wouldn’t be true.

I’m not afraid of it and the only reason I want to stay on this earth now is because of my grandchildren and seeing them grow to be adults.

I love my children deeply but they don’t need me any more.

and maybe my grandchildren don’t either, but I like to think I am important to them.

what is this all about?

my rambling on and on?

maybe I am a bit depressed.

maybe the day to day grind is getting to me.

I’m not suicidal and I don’t constantly think of death.

sometimes I think death would be a wonderful thing so that I could go live in my Lord’s kingdom and I would no longer have to struggle in this life.

and as I write the word struggle, I feel almost like I should laugh.

I know there are so many thousands if not millions of people who have it harder in life then I do.

I shouldn’t complain.

and I don’t mean to be complaining now.

I just feel lonely I guess.

and maybe a bit depressed.

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Posted December 16, 2014 by Marge in heartfelt, ramblings

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