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having the blues makes it nearly impossible some days to get out of bed.

no I am not contemplating suicide, I am just depressed

I often feel like I am waking up dead.

to force myself to get up, bathe and make myself come into work is almost more than I can do at times.

In the movie “American Beauty” Kevin Spacey’s character is masturbating in the shower and says something about “This is the highlight of my day, and it all goes down hill from here’
and while I don’t masturbate, I often feel like as the day progresses it goes further down hill.

I enjoy the quiet time driving into work and getting to work and having no one there while I begin the day

by the time it is three pm and time to go home, while I am anxious to get out of work, I go home to the same old thing every single night.

and it is boring as hell

Yes I need a change.
yes I need to do something different with my life.
I do know that.

what though?
that is the burning question.
What would make me happy?
Would anything make me happy?

I love being with my grandchildren.

that is the most enjoyment I can get.
Sometimes they are demanding or whiney though and that takes away the fun of having them.

still I would have to say spending time with them is the ultimate high for me.

everything else is a very distant second.

I mentioned earlier I eat to pacify myself.

and it is true.

when I am bored I eat, when I am blue I eat

it is a vicious cycle.
I need a change and still I don’t know what that change would be.

ugh….

and so it continues………..

yep you got it, I am in a funk

if you don’t want to hear about it I suggest you stop reading now.

I am down and blue

partly due to this job that I detest and the other part is I want to runaway as far as I can and not have any demands on me.

the only problem with that is I would miss my grandchildren too much

like I told my sister I would miss my kids too but they don’t need me anymore and they all have their own lives.

 

I feel like I am wasting away

literally

physically of course I am over weight and need to lose sixty pounds

but I use food as my comfort

for my boredom, for my unhappiness, for my feelings of helplessness

basically for everything.

I’ve been looking for quick fixes and that only puts a band aide on the real problem

which is I am unhappy and need to find something to make me happy again.

right now I have no idea what that is………..