Archive for October 4, 2010

serious discussion   2 comments

so these last few days my husband and I have been discussing our marriage.
for reasons basically because we tend to knit pick at each other and it seems resentments occur.
Anyway we talked a bit over the weekend and then again today.
It was brought up today because a guy he knows, told him today that his sister has been married 32 years and her husband came home the other night and told her he wanted a divorce.
my husband asked me if I still saw us as growing old together.
I told him honestly, some days yes I do feel that way and some days no I don’t.
But those days are usually when I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and feel like there is no way out….

there are days when I feel like everything he does gets on my nerves and I want nothing more than to run away.

on the weekend we talked about how we both felt if we felt like we wanted out then we would just tell the other person.
that life is too short to not be happy…….
Today he told me that he is so much more relaxed now then he was seventeen  years ago when we did get divorced.
I said “That means you could handle it and not feel devastated and could live with out me”
And he said “Like you could live without me”
And I nodded.

 there are days I honestly feel like I would be a happier woman if I wasn’t married.
and no there isn’t another man on the sidelines.
There are just days when I feel like I am living the same thing day in and day out and want to escape.

Most days I am happy and fairly content.

I would say my need to want to run, or in this case live alone and without a man in my life, hits me about twice a month.
Sometimes it stays around for a week.

but then I worry about my children and weather or not they would forgive me if I left their father.
And would I get to see my grandchildren as much if I left their father……

and while some of you may think…..what is wrong with me that I don’t want to be married…….

you would have to be here and see my life as it is, to get an understanding of it.

There are things about my husband that make me crazy and sometimes I feel like he is like nails on a chalk board for me.
But in all honesty it isn’t him as much as it is me.
I feel stagnant and drowning with this heavy anchor around my neck….

and even though if I were  no longer  married it may or may not change that…….there are times I  dream of being on my own doing what I want when I want and answering to no one………..

our discussion was interrupted by my son and his daughter coming into the house and it was interrupted the other day when my other son and his family came to the house……

I think my husband will leave it all up to me.
He is so laid back and mellow.
so unemotional and whatever will be will be………

I am not walking out the door tomorrow……
I am very much looking forward to the family vacation at the end of the month…..

so how fucked up do I sound????

Posted October 4, 2010 by Marge in ramblings

time gets away from me   2 comments

I can’t believe I just had a weekend off from this place.
My God the time off flies by.
how I hate that.
But here it is Monday morning again.
I am in a good mood and keep telling myself I am lucky to have a job, a home I love and a family that becomes more enduring to me with each passing day.

Would I go so far as to say I love my life?
No, but I do love certain aspects about it.
What would take me to getting to love my life????
Hmm…..I will have to think about that one….

I realized today too I didn’t write  a blog this weekend.
Just never entered my mind.
I have no reason other than I just didn’t think about it.
I write so faithfully that I even surprised myself that I would forget to do it.

Alas….it doesn’t look like anyone missed me while I was gone any way.

Well I am at work so ….guess I should do something work related here.
25 days until vacation!!!!

Posted October 4, 2010 by Marge in ramblings