what if?   Leave a comment

what if I woke up tomorrow and my life was turned upside down?
You may ask why I am thinking this way but it is because last night I woke up at one thirty and found my husband wasn’t in bed beside me.
Now maybe I am a worry wart but my husband is at least one hundred and fifty pounds heavier than he should be and I worry about his health and his heart.
He has a bad case of sleep apnea but of course won’t go to the doctor and have tests run to get on an oxygen machine to help aid him when he sleeps.
(Like most men, my husband avoids doctors)

I actually wake up at night because he isn’t breathing and when I am just about ready to try to jerk him into breathing, he starts on his own again

so when he wasn’t in bed with me last night I lay there thinking…..okay he stayed on the couch because he was coughing and didn’t want to keep me up……or he got called out to work….(he is on call 24/7) or my worst fear something awful happened and he is no longer here

I realize one shouldn’t worry about things they have no control over but he scares me with his health and I do worry.

So before I got up and went half way down our staircase to hear him snoring….I thought to myself what if?
How would I manage?
I realize I would.
Every woman who out lives her spouse does survive it.
but it would be awful to have to tell my children.
it would be awful to wake up and not have him in my world.

so these crazy thoughts have been going round and round in my head today and needless to say I hate thinking about them….

I’m not ready for the what if’s……but I know chances are, I will outlive him and will one day have to deal with that ……

Posted July 7, 2010 by Marge in my loves, ramblings

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