I don’t care, she doesn’t matter , I don’t love her anymore she can have it all her way
I don’t know why it slips my mind, I tell myself all the time, but for a second there, I forgot again that I don’t care………..

This is a few lines from a song that Blake Shelton sings on his last cd.
It is on my mind because I try to have a harden heart where my eldest child is concerned and to make it all bearable I tell myself that I don’t care.
I don’t care if we are estranged
I don’t care if she doesn’t want me in her life

and I really don’t care if she doesn’t like me as a person.

but the truth is, I really do care.
I care so much that sometimes I just want to cry because I can’t reach out and hold her and tell her I love her and just see that smile on her pretty face.

I don’t want to care, but I do.
And I always will.

I hate the estrangement.
I hate not knowing what I did so wrong that she wants nothing to do with me.
I hate knowing that she may need someone to talk to or someone to hold her and I can’t even reach out and offer her any support because she doesn’t want me to.

sometimes it is pure hell being a mother.
Most of the time it is quite wonderful
But with Paula…it has always been difficult.
It is like we have always butted heads

but the truth of the matter is I care very much and I love her very deeply.
I just wish and hope some day I get the chance to tell her that again.

this is one of the few pictures I have of her.
And this was taken two years ago with her sister Emily

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on my way into work this morning I had a good idea for a blog.
Do you think I can think of it now?
nope!
Can’t even begin to grasp what I was thinking eighty minutes ago when I drove into work.
Ugh, I hate how the body just goes to pieces like this …..

the aches and pains and now the memory…..

dang it.
😦