memories   Leave a comment

occasionally I take a walk down memory lane and think of my childhood, the past, all the mistakes I have made and life in general.
I love thinking about times when my children were little, especially when I see my grandchildren do something their parent (my child) use to do.
My oldest daughter has nothing but bad memories of her childhood and although I know I wasn’t a perfect mother I still and probably never will know what was so awful about hers.
Other then she was the eldest and had three siblings following her.
I doubt I will ever know, or she will ever tell me what I did so horribly wrong that she doesn’t want anything to do with me now.
It hurts but I have sort of gotten harden to the pain.

My other three still like me enough to want to be around me.
(or maybe they are there because of their father and I am just there too?)
I know Brian and Emily love me.
Matt is a lot like Paula and doesn’t care to show if he loves me or not.

like Paula, Matt is stand-off-ish and doesn’t put forth much effort to show affection unless he wants something.
Sad huh?

At any rate, I think a lot of my childhood too and where we lived, and how excentric our mother was and just life in general.

Paula told me once long before this estrangement began last August, that she didn’t want to come to the end of her life and think, “man I wish I had done this or that”
that she wanted to live life to the fullest now.
I don’t know if she feels like she has?

I know there are so many things I want to do yet, not that I plan on dying any time soon……but I think of all the things that prevent me from going out into the world.
Mainly money

My mother was a dreamer and I find, as I get older I have become more of one myself.
Not a bad thing……just not the way I want to be.
I want to be a doer, not a dreamer……



Posted March 26, 2010 by Marge in family, ramblings

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