Archive for March 9, 2010

who I am   Leave a comment

does anyone ever wonder who they really are?
if I was suddenly thrown on a desert island and there was no one around to take care of me, I am one hundred percent positive I would find out what I am really made of.
with out the fluff in my life, if it was just me against the elements of the weather and my own will, would I survive?
I would like to say that yes I would survive, I would like to believe I am that strong, that determined….
but I don’t know.
I have never been tested.
if someone placed a gun to my head right now, how would I react?
I’m fairly certain I would lose my mind right here and now.
I have always had a fear of guns and if someone was close enough to me to put a gun to my head, I’m quite positive I would lose my mind.
And should they kill me or not would cease to matter because I would be a puddle of blob on the floor unable to think clearly or function at all.
IF Someone put a gun to my child or grandchild I would be completely different.
I would fight tooth and nail to come between that bullet and my child or grandchild.

I live a simple life.
I work a forty hour week and go home and spend the afternoon and evenings with my family flipping through the channels of the TV every night after supper.
I have my favorite programs and watch them faithfully week after week.
My weekends are basically spent bumming and being with the family again.
I have no excitement in my life and one week generally falls pretty close to the week before.

My husband’s friend died last week and as I was at his funeral this past Sunday I look around and see all the people who respected him and loved and cared about him and I think to myself “Would half this many people be at my funeral?”
Have I touched anyone’s life enough to make them mourn me in death?
I have my siblings who would surely show up, and my children and grand children and husband.
But I have no real friends.
I have work friends and people I talk to on occasion that I use to work with.
But an honest true friend.
Nope I don’t have one of those.
I never have.
so for people to attend my funeral would probably be friends of my family that would be there to show support to my loved ones.
I can’t even make my own child want to spend time with me.
she is estranged and has no desire to be any place I am.

So the bottom line is…if I wasn’t a mother, a wife, a sister or grandmother who would I be?
Who am I?
what is the most deepest place inside of me that no one knows?
and why doesn’t any one know?
What is hidden from the eyes of the world?
What makes me who I am?
What are my biggest dreams?
My darkest thoughts?
my desires?
my ambitions?
all of that has been left out on that sailboat floating aimlessly out in the open sea, forgotten and abandoned
what does it take for a person to be true to themselves?
what gives a person that right to put their wants, hopes and desires above all else?
who am I?
And do I even know?


Posted March 9, 2010 by Marge in ramblings

bitch session   Leave a comment

okay I am going to bitch.
I have 53 days this summer to clean the school.
That is scary all by itself since I will be here by myself.
(Why can’t I be rich so I never had to work again?)
Any hoo…I just learned yesterday that they are going to have summer school here for five weeks
From July 5th through August 13th.
School restarts on August 19th.
Ugh…the thought of it all just makes me want to weep.
I don’t know if I have the energy for this
I will definitely be hussling my butt this summer to get it all done.
Not looking forward to it at all.
Unfortunately, I’m stuck here due to needing the wage they provide me.
I just hope I have the stamina to do it.
The way I feel today (yes still ache all over and wish I was home in bed) I couldn’t do it.
But hopefully I will shake whatever has a hold of me and have the energy to tackle this summer.

Posted March 9, 2010 by Marge in ramblings