Archive for December 14, 2009

inside my head   Leave a comment

I don’t know what it is with me.
I honestly don’t.
Maybe it is the fact that I only get a moment of quietness any more when I am going to bed at night or driving myself into work or home from work.
I miss that quiet down time.

I love my grand children, don’t get me wrong.
They are such a huge part of me that I can’t express enough how much I treasure them.

but I do miss my down time.

I took a bath this morning like I do every morning and I found myself wondering about my life.
the what ifs….

what if I had gone down this road instead of the road I went down.
Where would I be?
What would I be doing?

I know I have written about all of this before.

everything is a matter of choice and I do KNOW that.
And yet I wonder….

I would say I am ninety five percent happy with my life.
Occasionally like now I get to thinking of the what ifs and wonder if I would be happier or sadder if I had chosen a different path.

It is almost like I can’t let myself be too happy.
If I get too happy than it is like I sabotage myself in some way to make it balance out.
I realize even as I write this, it doesn’t make any sense.

I have been thinking a lot about my oldest child and wondering what I did that makes her no longer want me in her life.
I just can’t fathom what it would be.
I really can’t.
And I honestly don’t think it is fair of her to not let me in on what mistake I made that has made her shun me.
But I realize it isn’t all about me and she has to do what she feels she must do.
And I have to deal with it.

I only hope she is happy and doing well.

As I look at things, from a perspective of what ifs?
Or what should I be doing now?
Where should I be going?
What will the future bring?
I do know that only I can make myself happy.
I can’t count on anyone, not my kids, my husband, my grandchildren, siblings or friends to bring happiness to me.
I have to think and figure out just what does make me happy?

I know this dead end job is one of the biggest things that makes me unhappy now.
But what will the future hold?
Where am I going from here?
How will it all work out in the end?

Questions that float inside my head……….sometimes they seem never ending…..

Posted December 14, 2009 by Marge in ramblings

Monday Monday   Leave a comment

well here it is Monday again.
First of five days with the kids here at school and then they are off for two weeks.
Can’t get here fast enough to suit me.
🙂
I vow to myself I can not, WILL NOT be in this job a year from now.
I just have to find something else.
Even if I do have to take a five dollar cut in pay.
I just can’t keep doing this job when I hate it so much.
my husband the sensible man that he is, thinks I should just deal with it and muttle through simply because the pay is so good.
But he has been at his job for thirty five years and can go days without doing anything and still get paid and he doesn’t mind it.
I hate not having anything to do and I HATE cleaning up after people.
Just sick of it.
Literally.
and while I may sound like I am whining now I don’t mean to be.
I’m just ready for a change.

On another note, I am thinking, what is for supper tonight?
seems now that my family is larger again (since the six of us live together) a meal should be put on the table every night.
So…what’s for supper?
I’m not sure yet…..

Happy Monday every one!
🙂

Posted December 14, 2009 by Marge in ramblings